Monday, February 23, 2009

#6: Jeff Juden - Star Rookie


Besides "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line," there are two things you don't want to appear on your baseball card, and your rookie baseball card at that.

First of all, we hear that Juden is "the pride of Salem, MA." Shit like that gets you burned at the stake. Just ask Tituba. (Actually, she wasn't. Better ask Sarah Good or Sarah Osborne.)
Burned.
At the fucking.
Stake.
Go get your self a decent shelf encyclopedia, one that weighs in at greater than two bills. Look up "Miller, comma, Arthur." That dude will let you know the truth.

Secondly, there's no way in hell I want the phrase "lack of upper body strength" appearing anywhere on my rookie card. Not even placed within the hologram that can only be read if tilted at just the right angle. That's like a swimmer having this said about him on those swimming cards that are so popular with the kids today: "Not accustomed to chlorine."

Or the cooking cards that Panini distributed in western European countries: "Particularly unskilled with the slotted spoon."

Or those mechanic cards that the government distributes to the poor on odd-numbered Saturdays: "Afraid of wrenches."

Upper Deck just slapped Jeff Juden in the face with that. "Sorry kid. You may be a Star Rookie, but your shit is weak."

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